why is it that i seem to screw things up before it even begins.. im a little upset with myself at the moment... i find something good then fuck it up somehow.. i dont even realize what im doing until afterwards.. i hope though that i haven t fucked this up for good... i could just kick myself in the ass right now..why do you have to be this way.. why do you have to do these things.. why are you so selfish... you are determined to change your life.. determined to make things better.. an oppurtunity comes along and you fuck up... what is wrong with you.. my mind races with self defeating thoughts but i dont know how else to deal and never have.. i beat the shit out of my self mentally and emotionally... it doesnt help me really but its all i can think to do... am i supposed to not care.. am i supposed to just let it be.. i frustrate even myself... so i must frustrate others.. i annoy myself.. i guess that goes for others as well... goddamn me and my selfishness.. i dont know why i try to do things.. i fail.. epic failure.. every time.. what the fuck is wrong with you.. you idiot that you do this every time... somehow you find a way even if there was no way at all... i hope that i will be forgiven and i hope that it ends better than im making it out to be im just extremely mad at myself... but it doesnt matter... really no one cares.. why should they..